Finding Meaning and Keeping Hope After a Loss

The loss of a loved one leaves a void that cannot be filled, and when it comes to a bereaved family, the loss is often sudden and accompanied by deep feelings of sorrow, longing, anger, and sometimes even a sense of being lost. Life as it was known changes in an instant, and the world may seem meaningless and colorless.

Amid the deep and complex pain, a fundamental question arises: How can we move forward? How to cope with the emptiness? Is there a way to find hope and meaning in life even after such a significant loss? And what can help keep hope within the new and complex reality? These and other questions arise for many people who have lost their loved ones and resurface at different times in life.

As social workers in the Department of Families, we have been accompanying bereaved families for many years. We have witnessed the challenges up close, but also the immense strength and the diverse ways in which people find comfort and meaning. In this article, we will share some of the insights we have gained along the way, which may shed light on dark corners of your journey as well.

Hope in the context of loss does not refer to the expectation that the pain will disappear or that life will return to what it once was, but rather to the belief that good can still exist within the new and complex reality. In other words, the possibility of building a meaningful life alongside the loss and memory.

From our professional experience, the hole in the heart is always there, but we learn to live with it. At first, it may permeate every corner of the soul, but over time, though the hole remains, we can learn how to fill life alongside it. We explain to families that it is somewhat like losing a hand; even with a prosthesis, the hand is still lost. For bereaved families, the hole always remains.

In the past, the grieving process was viewed as a linear and sequential process with five defined stages, known as the "Five Stages of Grief", a model developed by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. 
Over the years, professional understanding has deepened and expanded. Research and clinical experience have shown that grieving processes are more complex and individual than previously thought. The approach to loss and bereavement has evolved from a relatively superficial understanding to a multidimensional perception of the grieving experience.
The current perception views grief as a more complex process and relies on the "Dual Process Model of Grief," developed by Professor Shmuel Rubin from the University of Haifa. This model addresses two parallel processes:

1. The impact of loss on daily functioning: a functional axis that relates to daily life. It acknowledges that sometimes one takes one step forward and two steps back.
2. The interpersonal connection with the deceased: a bond that continues to exist even after the loss. This connection is infinite, evolving, and changing over time.

This approach legitimizes a wide range of coping mechanisms and responses, and recognizes that each individual deals with loss in a personal and unique way.

Professional guidance plays a significant role in the process of coping with loss. The relationship between the therapeutic team and bereaved families serves as an anchor and a source of hope.

The therapeutic process provides a non-judgmental space for expressing pain and sorrow, while also focusing on identifying the "positives" in life, emphasizing small cheerful moments and daily achievements that may sometimes seem trivial. It is always important to remind families that when someone loses a loved one and manages to get out of bed in the morning, that is a success worthy of recognition.

The therapeutic relationship allows for continued support even many years after the loss, and creates a safe space to cope with significant events: the first holiday, the first birthday, and many other milestones in life.

Beyond the internal emotional work, there is another challenge: facing the outside world and the complex relationship with the surrounding community. After a loss, society may impose expectations about "how to grieve properly," such as how long to stay at home, when to return to work, or how to behave at family events.

It is important to remember that people around you usually just want to help. In practice, this can sometimes feel overwhelming. It is important to know how to seek help from those close to you, to communicate what can help you, what suits you, and what does not.

Even within the bereaved family itself, there may be different ways of coping and complex dynamics. Each family member experiences the loss in their unique way, and therefore, coping mechanisms vary. The father may withdraw in silence, the mother may want to talk and share, siblings may react in other ways - and all of this is legitimate.

Often, a special challenge arises around memorial days and significant events, when conflicting needs emerge within the family. For example, in the case of a pair of parents, each may want to cope with Memorial Day differently - one may want to hold a memorial event and invite guests, while the other prefers to withdraw and be alone.

Additional complexities may arise between different parts of the extended family. For instance, there may be differing views between a widow and the parents of the fallen regarding the ways of commemoration or the upbringing of orphaned children. The widow may wish to move on and build a new life, while the parents of the fallen may fear that the memory will fade or that the connection with their grandchildren will weaken. On the other hand, the parents of the fallen may want to be very involved in the lives of the grandchildren, while the widow may need space and independence in making decisions about her family. In such cases, all sides act out of love and concern, but their ways to express these feelings can be very different.

It is important to remember that you are not alone on this complex journey. The Department of Families is by your side at every stage - during the difficult initial period and along the way, even many years after the loss.

The social workers of the department have been supporting families for decades and see it as a true mission. We are here to assist families according to their wishes, at their own pace, and in their own way.